I've got that horrible emptiness sitting there on the diaphragm of my breath again.

Rising, and lowering with the steady, horrible rhythm of that muscle.

I know why too.

I'm a compulsive spender, and I finally sat down to examine just how much I have blown.

Ok, so it's not as bad as I feared, but good lord I have to get this under control.

I binge spend, within a couple of days of my paycheck most of it is gone, except what I need to live on for the rest of that pay period.

It's a horrible vicious cycle.

Every month I swear I'm not going to do it, but every month I find some perfectly rational way of justifying the spending.

I think today, I kind of hit a road bump, and it shook me up.

Maybe this is what I needed to shake some Fucking since into myself.

I mean, I look back at what I bought, and it is all so . . . needed.

That is the worst part, I can't blame it on worthless frivolous shit.

Ok, that is a lie. They are not things I need to stay alive, they are just things to nourish my soul, like Corel Draw 8 for 25bucks. [OH MY GOSH, LOVE it MAL!], and a 1920's vintage Thibouville B-flat clarinet for 77 bucks on ebay [yes I finally found my baby, it didn't call to me as deeply as the 1930's Czechoslovakian Artist did, but still I heard it's warm mellow voice whispering to me] The rest is stuff to teach with, and well, I don't know groceries, or expences for my business trip to San Antonio, that probably won't get reimbersed for a while. uhg.

Ok, so perhaps I could have waited, till the next pay check, but I'm a sucker for a deal and grab it up with a do as I will attitude at that moment.

I'm glad I started a 403b, otherwise I would be pennyless when I'm a geezer.

Ok, I'm fine till the 20th, I can live comfortably till then, buying only what I truly need, i.e. food, and gas.