Using my real name.

Mal knowing I haven't been smiling, and I knowing that she knew too.

Smiling, even laughing yesterday, having the best damn day in forever yesterday.

Dream: Not of MIKE, but of the loss of Mike. Whole family there, except nieces and nephews, picnic tables at my dad's sporting goods store, blue grass music festival in the back of the store, the 100 year old store with ghosts of blacksmiths and horses in the back, under the gouged and rustic, oiled, hardwood floors. Mike's mom there, me holding onto her too long when we hugged. She leaving, not wanting to face the pain I remind her of, the loss of her son. Me not being able to hold it in any longer. Tears streaming down face, standing at cash register, away from my family, a deep keening, quiet wailing coming from deep within my chest and soul, not being able to control it, standing there in my dad's store, shaking, this sound coming fourth from me, this sound that scares the hell out of me. Mike's mom having left, my family sitting there just watching, waiting for me to breakdown, only my mom and dad understanding, this, the most uncomfortable of sounds to listen to, this wailing of exhales, almost whistling of air, this, ultimately a nearly unpunctuated howl, ever rising in volume as my composure breaks, and breaks, and shatters, years and years of silent mourning releasing in an endless without breath, unearthly sound, drowning out the bluegrass festival at the back of the store. My sorrow becoming the song, surrounded by mom hugs, but not helping, just having to let it out, not stopping, feeding the wail, louder, louder, louder, LOUDER more uncomfortable to listen to. Wanting the pain out for good, but excepting it has carved out a permanent residence in the hotel of my heart.

Understand, this dream was not of mike, but of the loss, still, years later, that I feel in my heart. About a total lack of control, a total release of my emotions ultimately robbing me of even the strength to stand, still surrounded by mom hugs, missing mike, angry he's gone, wanting to beat myself, and my surrounding, screaming for answers from my God and anyone who will listen

*realizing this has become an entry, and not just notes for an entry to be written when I have 'time'*

Waking, wanting mike to have been there, in my dream, comforting like he was the last time. But he wasn't there. He was nowhere to be found, only our shared grief for him, his mother and I, unable to look each other in the eye, sharing it briefly in our embrace, before she was gone, leaving me to howl out the misery of that part of my existence.