Fear is the mind killer, or Fear with sexual energy, inspired by the works of Rothko. Media: Acrylic glazes on canvas. 30" by 40"

Click here to learn more about Rothko, and his motivations.

Or read on for what ended up being my motivations . . .

Lowell is great really, and I don't want any you bitches snatching away any of his princess points.

:)

(I'm such a dork, but I worry about things like this, so you know RIGHT, that the above statement was completely for dramatic affect, as in queenly drama :)

yeah.

So, were chatting yesterday, Lowell and I, while he is at work, and he comes out with; "I'm thinking I'm going to meet a friend after work for coffee."

Innocent enough right?

Riiiiiiiiight.

"He's a friend from the internet."

OH crap, i'm thinking, not only did I feel jealousy, but more then that. Fear. Lots and lots of fear. I mean, like I was telling Mal who was also online, I'm confidant that I'm great, but I'm also super scared that he dosn't think so. So I have NO confidance about my retention powers with boys.

He kept reassuring me they were just friends, and that the other guy was in a relationship anyways. They were just meeting for coffee. And he wasn't trying to hard to impress this on me, so it made me feel better, really.

I set, and thought, and sought council from Mal.

And came back with, "Ok, I have to tell you although we have known each other for only days, I'm jealous, I don't feel like hiding my feelings, and if I did keep them all bottled up I would end up being cagey around you later, and that's not good. So there I said it, I feel better for saying it."

I continued, "As long as your just friends I don't mind at all. We all need friends right?"

I meant that last bit, really I did, I'm convinced I did, and If I tell myself that last part, the part about not minding at all, over and over and over *hell I'll make it my mantra today on the elliptical machine* eventually I'll believe it, right?

(Funny that a passage from Interview with the vampire just popped into my mind, a passage about being the father of all lies.)

But really, I've got to relax, I mean so I'm not exactly exclusive-- at the moment. I mean, I do know that I'm in the lead. I believe that atleast.

So anyway, yeah, that was the inspiration for yesterdays painting. And it was fast and furiuos, and left me sweating and out of breath and checking my bank account every five minutes to see if my direct deposit had gone through so I could go purchase more canvas.

Heres what a friend and art critic residing in the nob hill district of Albuquerque had to say about it.

DivaOfTheRedPurse: it's almost like a sunset of emotion

DivaOfTheRedPurse: it looks like a late summer sunset over a deep pool of water.......the lighter parts are things in the water that the sun is still illuminating.

I had not even thought of that interpretation. LOVE IT!

It's huge, the new canvas.

Fills an entire wall above my bed, this monstrous 4 foot by 5 foot canvas does.

It's a very red color scheme so far.

and want to keep it that way

the top area is going to be a blazingly brilliant cloud of gossamer shroud cobalt though. I wish the luminosity of the layers upon layers of transparent glazes came out through the photographs.

Ok, so after I left his place, even after all the art therapy of the day, I still scarfed down a 2 cheeseburger value meal, supersized, doused in catsup, an oreo mcflurry AND a small part *thank god* of a hagandaz chocolate pint.

yeah, fear eats at me like that.

Love you all!