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Stifled Creation, and wasted worried energy.
Friday, Jun. 21, 2002 @ 12:35 a.m.

Today's Painting Stifled Creation: 4 foot by 5 Foot. Acrylic

Ya know, with 4 years of drama club, and various other productions under my belt, you would think I could atleast act, to hide my emotions.

uh uh.

Dosn't work that way.

So, tonight, before another amazing round of sexual healing, in which I had my 5TH super fabulous orgasm of my life, oddly it was only on the right side of my lower back though, Lowell admits that "I have to be careful around you."

He couldn't see the puzzles look on my face, cause he was laying on my chest as we watched Will and Grace. "What do you mean by that?" I enquire.

"Uh, I don't know."

Fucking boys.

I finally weed it out of him, that he can tell I'm getting attatched. I lied and said I'm just having fun, and enjoying my time with him.

*WHAT THE FUCK! I just got pissed, isn't the point of dating to get attatched?*

So, I mean were dating, but I guess I'm treading on some sketchy ground between fuckbuddy and boyfriend.

Not that i'm complaining about the sex. The last bastions in my mind of sex is something between people you love, went up a in smoke a few months back. Not sure when or where, or why but just know that it did.

On the other hand, I know that sex is sooooo much better with someone that you do love.

So, I was doing this certain thing that he likes, and that for some reason absolutely amazes him, and makes him grab me by the face and stare deep into my soul as he exclaims that I'm the best ever, and I had already gotten off, we were laying there together, afterwords for him, and he says, "Please don't take what I said earlier 'the wrong way', I've had enough of people today reading what I say the wrong way." (That was a reference to some work stuff that has no pertinance to this story.)

So, I mean he speaks so tenderly, and I so shouldn't be playing mind reader, and I even point blank asked him if this was about him maybe not wanting to be exclusive and he said, "I don't know what I want." I mean I know he thinks I'm great. I think he is really great too, and like I was telling Mal, it's really NICE to be dating someone mentally stable, as that has not happened in years, YEARS! And the first time since, goodness, uhhhh Mal, Corazon, do you remember?

Hahahah... not to mention he seems to be really into this whole lower back orgasm of mine.

That makes him the best in my books.

I mean damn!

Oooooooooo just got a shiver thinking about it!

So, I don't know, I mean at least he is honest. And open. That won't not make me feel like shit if he wants to see other people, ultimately I would feel like some big old failure, but well, atleast it's out in the open. You know?

Fuckin shit. Fucken shit. Fuckin Shit.

He's a grazer, i'm a binger.

I could be so totally wrong about the whole fucking thing.

One thing for sure, I shouldn't be wasting this energy overanalyzing it all.

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