I HATE not being the one that the boy I'm seeing chooses to hang out with.

HATE it!

He had gone home to get a good nights sleep and to bed early. WE tend to play if we stay over. :)

So, when he told me, just now, that he was going over to play pool at a friends house, and "So much for getting to bed early." It really pushed my buttons.

I hate feeling this way. All this insecurity.

I I I want to be the one he wants to hang out with.

I fucking HATE and LOVE this.

Does that make sense?

Fuckin' shit! I like playing pool too! And he knows that! It's not like i'm a screaming queen, well admitedly I can be, but not when I'm around other guys.

AND we didn't go to the dog show today which I wanted to do, cause he was tired from a late night, WITHOUT me, and I was completely understanding when we had already driven for 30 minutes down to the Astrodome and were already at the parking lot when he told me that he really didn't want to do this and would rather just go back and watch some T.V.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrooooowwwll!

So, this pushes other buttons too. Like HE has friends, and I don't. Well I do, but there all out of town, cause I can count them all on little more then 1/2 a hand. He was like my only option for going out tonight, and I was content to stay home when we were both staying home but now that he is out playing pool at some guys house, and didn't envite me cause he's not 'out' to (ok, admitedly I'm playing mind reader) I became very hurt and jealous, and envious, and Oh, I just so wish he would have said, hey do you want to come, so I could have said, "Yes", or "No"', or "I'm going to delve into my new Laura Joh Rowland, novel instead." But he didn't ask, and that hurts. I have a long history of NOT being asked, and it hurts. And he found that nerve to push on tonight. And now, right at this very fucking second the first fucking tear just fell and I'm crying cause my very best fucking friends are flung to all corners of this fucking country and I HATE it. I FUCKING HATE IT! WHERE ARE THEY IN THIS FUCKING CITY!? WHERE ARE THEY!?

WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT CAN SEE MY SOUL!?

(Ok, the drippy, tear-thinned snot has been blown from my nose, and I'm a bit more in control now.)

So, this city has me by the balls and I'm here on this evening alone, the girls in Austin for one reason or another, camping , looking for an apartment, and I by my very circumstances am alone for this evening, without a way out. Every single person I know is either sick, or out of town, or in the case of the boyfriend out with a group of friends that I'm not invited to be with. And it just SUCKS. And in less then a month this will be a permanent situation. I'll be in this city with one person, Monica my love, who I can count as a great friend, and now Curtis. Who I hope is becoming a great friend. But I don't know, his not being out and having to have 'me time' and time with friends with a great big bold printed deviding line between the two is going to get VERY old. I mean can't he just occasionally pass me off as another friend he has brought along? Fuckin' shit.

Ok, this rant is officially over.

Corazon, is it bad that at times like this I just want a drug that will knock me into blissful oblivion for a bit? (rhetorical, rhetorical, no worries.)