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a burnt offering.
Wednesday, July 31, 2002 @ 1:37 a.m.

It's over, and this is what he had to say for himself.

Hi James,

How are you? Sorry I haven't been very social lately.

I've had a lot going on and a lot on my mind. I'm at work right now in our new office with a computer and no phone.

I need to say a couple things and hope you aren't upset. I think you are a great guy and I've really enjoyed our time together. As much as I want it to, I don't see it going any further than friends. This is really hard for me to say because I don't want to hurt you. I would love to be your friend for a long time to come. You have quickly become one of my best friends. This is probably cowardly of me to do in an email, but I guess I'm scared to tell you in person.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Please reply when you read this. I will try to call later tonight to talk. Please don't be angry. I'm just trying to be honest with you.

Your friend,

Curtis

***

He didn't call, and this is what I sent back.

***

Curtis,

I understand, and yes I'm hurt. I had high hopes for us as more then friends. And I hope you are serious about staying friends, and I'm sorry for doing whatever I did, or didn't do. I feel like I've fucked up horribly. Your just such a great guy. It's so hard for me to make friends with a guy, and you have been such a wonderful friend to me. I do not want to loose our friendship. I'm not angry, but I'm terribly hurt, I have to be honest too. I haven't felt this way in years, and possibly only once before. I'm sorry that I'm hurt, and I'm sorry that you are the only one I find myself wanting to run too for comfort. What an awkward feeling. Please call. I don't understand, but I'm glad you told me. Not knowing was killing me.

Your friend,

James

***

What I wanted to add, later, after it had already been sent.

P.S. All I want in a relationship is to find my best friend, and offer my most devoted friendship in return. Someone to share the joys and even the mundane aspects of life with. I saw our friendship blossoming so wonderfully, at times. I don't understand, and I want reasons. Saturday morning was such a happy conversation, then you dindn't call when you said you were going to. Then our stilted conversation on Sunday, and now this? I just don't get it.

Needing answers,

James.

***

And even later still, but won't ever be sent.

Curtis,

I still find myself wanting to run to the safety of your arms. I just want to be held. To feel the pressure of your strong arms wrapping around me. I want to feel the comfort of your breath on the back of my neck as I drift peacefully to sleep.

Pathetic rejected boy with no pride,

James

***

Fucker.

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