Written last night,but not posted till now cause of server problems. Understand, my real life friends, and those virtual few of you who I also consider more then acquaintance, I'm not depressed or all torn up. I've just been looking inward, and writing about it. Not ignoring what I think and feel.I'm really, really, really trying to walk on a regular basis.Even if it's oppressively hot and West Nile Virus (queenly drama alert) is risked with every new prick of my flesh.Mia, loves it, and really once I drag my ass out of my chair, I love it too.There were these two older men today watching me walk, on the corner of Peden and Woodhead, one sipping coffee and the other calming the dogs as they loitered on the threshold of their French Doors. I smiled and said, "Hello." Mia, stifled a scream when she noticed there dogs, and we all chuckled. They watching me, I watching them. They looked away, and returned to their quiet, I'm sure intimate conversation, they still looked so very much in love, and I turned away, cause I felt that heavy burnyness in my eyes, I knew if I admired them any longer as I walked past I'd cry, but really I wanted to grab the iron of their fence in both fists, shaking with all the might of my frustrations, and demand to know the secret of finding a partner in this world. To me they looked to have the answer, to be the Sages on the mountain tops of all gay relationship knowledge, and I almost loathed them for it at the very same time that I was admiring them.Everyone says to just be happy, that relationships come along when you no longer want them, and I can make it look like I am happy, I can even fool myself for awhile that I'm happy alone, without a committed partner, but really I know, at all times that I'm not, If I look inward deep enough. I love myself, but I want to be loved, and share my love so desperately. That another will not allow you to do that is most painful.Fuck this shit is frustrating.Most of the poor bastards out there really aren't worth my better then premium hagan daz/ben and jerry's, homemade brand of affections, but I'm so willing to give them a chance.Maybe that needs to be a paradigm shift for me. Should I become a super selective, picky/snarky gardening bitch? Not giving a person a chance on the whim of intuition?I'm not sure, but I'm also not sure any longer that you reap what you sow. I give it my all in a relationship, and with the exception of possibly Roy, and Jet, I've not seen a return on that planting. Shit this mud is getting deep. Maybe I am reaping what I sow, by not being a super selective gardening bitch. If you invest in cheap goods after all . . . I so have to stop and finish my lesson plans.Love to you.Wow, imagine that, Lowell just invited me to dinner next week. What a strange addition to things this is.
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This icon is in the titles of entries with images. Most images are taken with my Nikon Coolpix 775 or Coolpix 8800. All image editing accomplished with my trusty Corel Photopaint 12. Pictures taken by the author are attributed as such. All others are attributed where able.