Madrigle

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Work undone, violins, and possibly redirecting my path.
Saturday, Feb. 01, 2003 @ 9:49 a.m.

Last night I dreamed of unfinished projects, well more specifically of things that I have finished but that upon review have been found, nearly magically, to be yet again unfinished. My work undone as it were. Probably has something to do with the upcoming justice department visits to our building for the magnet review. I put to much of my skin into that school. Well, rather, in proportion to many other people at the school I put in way to much of my skin. If they were all giving skin instead of just 3 or 4 of us then I would be giving precisely the right amount of skin. I'm not going to even attempt to reread to see if that makes any since at all. I also dreamed last night that my violin had come untuned, as in the strings were loose and falling off, untuned. Weird considering it keeps near perfect pitch from day to day. So, yeah, I'm dreaming of many things and they seem to be being undone. And I can't for the life of me figure out, what in my real life I feel like i'm backpedaling on. It's a bit unsettling. Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong part of the dream.

***

I melted a square of Belgian chocolate in my coffee this morning.

I filled my cd changer in the car with Erasure's earliest albums.

Some songs bring about an actual physiological response in me. A response of overwhelming goose bumps, smiles, and joy! I sit up straighter, I'm sure my eyes shine brightly, and wow, talk about chasing my blues away!

I sing my heart out at the top of my lungs as I cruise down the freeway to work, to play, or to secret rendezvous with Habibi. Ahh Habibi. I'll show you a picture that keeps his anonymity in tact.

Yep, that would be my beloved, Habibi.

Today must be filled with work. I'm using silicon adhesive to adhere these REALLY cool stainless steel letters to the brick wall at work. (The grant people said our school lacked insufficient professional signage) And I'm taking my paints and Barbara, is going to give me a working critique of the painting i'm doing for the entryway. (The painting I found out I'm NOT getting paid for. Oh well at least I bought 60 bucks worth of paints on them, they can kiss my ass if they think they are getting those paints when I'm finished!) You know, I wonder since I'm not getting paid for the painting I wonder if they will let me clock in for my time today. I would feel slimy for even asking, BUT at the same time (skin or no skin in this project) I think I deserve to have my time compensated! I'll not step fully onto that soap box.

My student teacher told me yesterday that she was taking copious mental notes on my management techniques! She said I was so organized! That my classroom has a definite procedure and schedule, that she is so relieved to be in a classroom this semester where the teacher doesn't scream their heads off at the kids everyday, but still has control over the behavior of the children. That left me feeling better about myself. I feel like I'm constantly having to redirect, but maybe that is what a manager does? I don't know. I feel like I remind the same children about the same things over and over again. And I end up building huge amounts of resentment up over that. (Yes there are students in my class who's behavior I severely resent. I try not to let it show, but children know. Children and mothers always know.) Anyways, that left me feeling better about it all. I also confessed to her that after 4 years of teaching I'm feeling burnout. I don't think I've voiced that to anyone but my parents. I'm thinking that a masters degree in curriculum and instruction would help foster my goal of working for a publisher some day. I think I've mentioned before that the University of Houston Downtown has a grant program that pays tuition and books for this masters program. The head of the department is a school board member fro my district, and she teaches a University class just down the hall from my classroom. In fact my student teacher is from her class just down the hall. We've (the professor and I) struck up a kind of comradery. I'm not entirely sure, but I think I might just leap at this opportunity.

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