Madrigle

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Needle Phobic
Friday, March 14, 2003 @ 1:08 p.m.

Oh my gosh.

I'm already reeling from my family leaving, and that triggers all kinds of abandonment issues, sets the blues on me, and causes bookoo hormonal fluctuations, when I check my e-mail and Sam has requested that I go get tested at the local clinic. That's an all around good idea really, except Madrigle has huge issues with needles, and I've already vomited just from the stress of actually calling to make an appointment and I'm shaking, and I feel my heart pounding, and I'm fucking crying. I'm FUCKING crying over a fucking little needle. The neighborhood free HIV clinic told me that they make no accommodations for people with needle phobia except for laying me down so they don't have to worry about me injuring myself when I faint. So I called my Dr. she said she would use a needle for a baby and her fucking receptionist was snickering! Nearly giggling over my anxiety. Yeah, that made me feel better! assholes. I even asked if I could find a source for some of the spray to deaden the area that some of the needle phobia sites talk about if I could bring it in or if they could order it and they said "No." I fucking swear other industrialized countries offer local for drawing blood, what is the hang up with american Dr.'s on that? Fuckers. The one product I did find that is supposed to work fairly well is no longer made. I was going to order it from a Canadian pharmacy but they are now out of it. I know that "it's just a little needle" but when people make statements like that to me I feel belittled and as if my emotional well being has been completely shoved under the carpet. It's not the pain of the needle I fear so much, but it does trigger the very real and frightening physiological responses that I experience when I am stuck. The uncontrollable, suffocating, rapid, shallow breathing, the blacking out from the corner of my eyes, the loss of hearing, the pounding of my heart, and the inability to stand on my own two legs; all of this adds up to Madrigle being one extremely frightened individual. I think that loss of control over my body is what I really fear. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe it's the images of being held down by nurses on hospital beds while blood was being drawn as a child that trigger it all. That feeling of complete violation the stick after stick after stick until FINALLY someone could hit my veins. The last time I had surgery they had not 1, not 2, but 3 anesthesiologists trying to find the vein that would finally except my I.V.

This is not helping

I feel tense and worked up, and like I could vomit again.

The one website recommends large doses of Valium be administered before the needle stick. I like that idea. Really I do.

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