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a brief visit from my old tormentor
Monday, September 1, 2003 @ 7:31 p.m.

It's back.

It seems to me it's been ages since I've felt that void in my chest that lashes out and threatens to consume.

It's here residing in my chest somewhere on top of my diaphragm, rising and lowering with each stifled, fear filled breath.

The thing is I think I've identified it's root source. It's cause. It's trigger. And that is HUGE, but I can't bring myself to write about it or talk about it or even really allow myself to think about it for much more then a capsule of time. My theory? No it's not a theory I know it to be true in my gut. It's all to do with me and not the actions of any others and it makes perfect since to me, but to take action against this requires me to confront those aspects of my life I fail miserably at. However just having it narrowed down, just having it named, I want to say it gives me a bit of comfort, but in truth it doesn't it just makes me more anxious to know I will have to face these demons or allow them to grow ever more out of control.

This writing isn't helping, and the void is expanding and my heart is pounding. I've got to go.

Habibi just called. Just the sound of his voice made me feel better. He has such a calming affect on me. I'm sitting here amazed at how the pounding has recessed and the void has receded.


I just watched Reign of Fire and it was not the flick I thought it would be at all, but was a pleasant surprise and I really liked it. Although there were some points where I found myself wondering aloud, "Did the DVD just skip?" Two places actually, holes in the flow of the plot, abrupt scene changes I guess. Just places where it seemed dialogue was missing. Places where I actually found myself rewinding cause I thought I had blinked and missed something. All in all I found it to be one of the better sci-fi flicks I've seen in a while. However, I was displeased to discover there was no commentary. I'm addicted to watching movie commentaries. I'm watching the wolves of kromer now. It was in the community favorites section at blockbuster which means it evidently has a gay theme. So far it's proving to be a rather cute little allegory, with rather cute little wolves. Woof woof!

I had the most wonderful weekend. Habibi even was able to spend the night last night. I really didn't do much, but I did spend a lot of quality time with my Habibi, and even got to see Maribel last night. She called and I spontaneously invited here over for the dinner I was fixing. The three of us had a grand time discussing sociology and politics.

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