"There are trees in the desert since you moved out."

I'm sure when the jealous monster comes out of me I'm severely unatractive.

Last night my jealousy was fit to be tied.

The thing is I wanted the evening to be mine. ALL mine. I'm such a freak, feeling somehow betrayed that Habibi's evening did not completely belong to me. I could have gone, but I really didn't feel like putting my lungs in all that smoke, and I was sleepy. I didn't find sleep till after 2 am so I guess I should have gone on that account. After a month of little more then 1-2 hour meetings to have dinner and such I just wanted him to devote an evening to me. You know? I did, I felt betrayed that the evening did NOT fully belong to me. I mean the dinner was great, and the sex was comforting and emotionally fulfilling, but as soon as I learned the evening was not the domain of ONLY he and I, the jealousy centers in my brain started having consecutive radioactive melt downs. I've been sharing his attentions for over a month now and I can't tell you the last time I've felt I had his complete and undivided attention. I mean, I guess he maintained a distance during Ramadan to not be tempted to have sex, and then he was back and forth to Memphis to be supportive to his sick niece, and he has to cut our evenings short cause his Mom is home alone, and he can't see me cause he is studying for 10 hours straight,again, and it just goes on and on, and they are all such noble reasons for not doting undivided time on me, BUT FUCKING DAMNIT! I think I was entitled to last night just being mine.

I over work things, but damn it this hurt in my heart is real.

I always have these internal diatribes, frantically trying to figure if my feelings are justified. I so don't want to be the victim of petty jealousy, oh no.

My jealousy feels like one of those little weighted wood cutouts of a tumbling clown on parralel bars. You know that little toy? You give the little guy a teeny push and because of the precise positioning of the weights he picks up more and more momentum. Yeah, my jealousy dives head long into my composure, the mass of it's momentum ripping wide furrows in my wanted calm, loving, demeanor.

He asked me what I want for Christmas last night. I told him I want his time. I want him from breakfast of one day, till breakfast of the other day. No cellphone distractions unless it's his family, no seeing or making concurent plans with anyone else. I want him for one uninterupted period of 24hours. Part of me feels that this should not be something I have to ask for, but it's what I want. I want him without any distractions. He thought I was kidding, I'm not sure what he thought really when I made myself adamantly clear that a 24 hour block of time IS what I want for Christmas.

*It fucking pisses me off that merriamwebster.com and THREE seperate spell check programs were NO FUCKING help in spelling adamantly. Maybe I fucking made it up. Thank you Jason for coming to my spelling rescue.