I don't know if it's even productive being here.

I'm only writing this cause I hope it will at some point help bring me some clarity on issues that are very clouded by emotion. Please Lord, give me some insight.

Relationships are so damn hard to maintain. Jealousies greasy fingers leave soiled smudges all over the pure brilliance of ones love. Or at least this is the case in my existence. I hope it is different for the rest of you. . . I do. And I harbor a terrible envy towards you if it is different. I wonder if there are those that float easily through their relationships. If their are those who maintain a constant singlemindedness to love and honor their partners . . . does that happen? I pray that it does. I pray that I can grow this relationship into one of those. So many facets must align to keep me feeling stable in this relationship. The slightest jostle and I fall hopelessly into an emotionally unstable jumble of self loathing emotions wanting to kick and bite and thrust out at the gulability, stupidity, of my inner most heart strings.

Mal and Jean say that my expectations of how a couple should function are completely reasonable. (I lack the confidence to proclaim them reasonable with out the gentle nod of reassurance my most esteemed and beloved friends through out to me.) But the assure me they are completely reasonable, so I now have the confidence to thusly proclaim them so. I knew this would happen I knew I start writing and work myself into a raging ball of emotions, but thats what this is for, right? confronting and processing these ugly, vile, hateful, black emotions. I'm pissed off at anybody and everybody. I'm pissed that I try to make plans with Habibi and he turns me down because of family obligations, but as soon as someone else throws him a bone he's out the door with them, and I'm not along for the ride. Why do people invite one person in a couple and not the other? Hmm? And why does Habibi except. I feel so fucking excluded. I feel so fucking destitute. I can't afford to go see Broadway shows unless friends of Habibi toss out alms. Yeah, so I'm pissed that they offer to him, and not to me too. I mean we are a couple, isn't it the polite thing to invite the couple. Isn't it?! ISNT IT?! ISN'T IT?!Their are so many ugly issues at hand, patterns of behavior, possible deceptions none of which are pleasant to look at or even to catch a glimpse of out of your peripheral vision. I fear that this is all tumbling uncontrollably into something horribly at odds with itself. I want it to be spiraling into harmony. I know it's a possibility. I know I can't make it work on my own. I know we are a spinning top, wobbling off kilter. I know a wobbling top can rite itself. I've seen it happen. The angular momentum, it's own energy pulling itself up by it's bootstraps. I pray we can too. Please God, don't let us falter. PLEASE! I beg you with all that is in my soul. PLEASE let this ugliness in my heart abate. please.