Madrigle

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... for what could have been.
Sunday, Jan. 09, 2005 @ 12:43 p.m.

I've taken to having a bit of orange-carrot juice at the local asian teahouse while I fool about the internet. I feel so lost about my relationship with habibi and the temptation to get lost in another is strong, although my options for doing so are zero to nill. Some friends say my kindness to him is going to lead to emotional poisoning for myself. Others say it's a complicated issue, and he has said and done all the right things, the noble things and you can't hate him cause he's experiencing genuine and heartfelt pain and anxiety over it all. That he is lost. I say I was lost too, before I met him, mired down by failed love and easy whoredom. For all the pain loosing him will cause me I still feel so much love, and I realized he's become my best friend. Oddly more so since he confided in me all his struggles and inner turmoil with being bi and never being able to be completely happy. Now we talk, like best friends do. We let tears weep down our cheeks as we try to unscramble the endless webs of complication. And all the sudden he's become my best friend. I wish I had another term for it. Best friend sounds so ... adolescent. I've always wanted my husband to be my bestfriend. I've wanted so many, many things in a relationship. craftsman bungalows with red doors and dragonfly door knockers ... by that I mean a quaint happy home with the man who calls me his own ... Habibe can't offer that to me not now nor perhaps ever. He's loved me though. He's made me feel completely desirable. He's shown me loyalty, well a certain brand of. He's melted into me and then gone home where I become a secret. When I reflect back on all like this, it all seems less then ideal. But it all boils down to the fact that he saved me. He came into my life at precisely the right time to do so. Me stepping away from the edge of a pit filled with wonton, reckless, less than safe behaviour. I'm much to reserved to have let myself dive completely in, headfirst as it were, but the waiding in up to my knees I was embarking in was just a life threatening.

As it stands right now I plan on giving him the time he's asked for. Then I plan on letting him know my own plans. He can come with me to Albuquerque, I'd love for him to choose me, but when I look in my heart I know it's all ended. it's ended for him even though he's not admitted to himself yet but I can see it and know that it has.

Stopping. sinking into dispair.

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