I've been intentionally celibate for the last few weeks. I�ve had opportunity. opportunities. Tonight, in the chat he was soooooooo fucking cute, and I turned him down. Cute? I mean HOT. Like, why the fuck is he hitting on me, hot! I turned him down mostly cause I�m fucking tired, but also cause I�m just not really interested in breaking this streak of not having sex. I mean I�ve gone years before. Not always by choice, but it is, in fact, this time. I�m not sure for what purpose other then Sex seems so trivial right now. So, not what I need to be focusing on.

I felt attractive with Bassem. Hmm. This is going places I didn�t intend it too. But I did, feel handsome that is. I mean, sure I know he wished I would loose weight, but even with my extra bulk, I still felt sexy, and loved with him.

Mal was asking me about the sex I was having when I moved here. The first I had, had since the split with Habibi back in November. I tried telling her that it was good, and I guess it was. I think. Well mostly It just left me going, �that was it?� Kind of like the sex when I was younger that left me wondering EXACTLY what most people saw in this rather lack luster thing, it seemed, called sex. But the sex with Habibi, it had evolved into the kind of sex two people have that completely love each other. Know each other. And don�t have inhibitions with each other. I guess what it boils down to, is the sex I had in July and August was NOT the incredibly passionate sex Habibi and I had experienced. The kind of sex . . . Well the kind of sex I�m left wondering if I�ll be privy to again in my life.

Sex, sex, fucking sex. I mean companionship is what it�s about, and Habibi was a good companion, not perfect. And could even be downright callous. BUT there was love, and loyalty, and mutual respect, and OH there was passion! Firey, all consuming cumbustable passion, that could leave me tingling for hours with it�s afterglow. I do mis our passion, perhaps most of all. God Dammit, when will I stop crying over him? When will it not hurt? When I look in the deepest, darkest, most secret parts of my heart and see our relationship shattered there, the tears still flow. And I�m not even sure why. A month shy of a year, and I don�t know why the tears come. Tonight. The last time in August, maybe July driving down central and Jewel came on the radio and suddenly I was balling, sobbing, big, fat, drippy tears winding there way down my face.

Hmmm. It�s several minutes later. I really don�t feel like finishing my thoughts. I�d rather go read about painting. I will paint this week, and weekend.