Yes I'm still talking about the fucking Madonna album. So I do adore "Hung up", but I have to tell you, the song that keeps bouncing through my brain when I'm not listening is "sorry." It's a definate fav.

I've been reading Anne's new book and am loving it. I've written her 3 'fan' letters. They have all been promptly deleted. I want to tell her how much I love her without sounding like a star struck teeny-bopper.

Paint. Paint. Paint. Passion consumed by jealousy may FINALLY be done to my liking. I always have to live with a painting to know for sure. I scraped and scratched clear tar gel onto it's surface today and finally, I think, it might actually be done. all my pieces, my modern pieces, they are soooo connected to who I am emotionally. They are capsules of what I feel, but of all them, passion consumed by jealousy contains the most of my emotions. They are there on the surface, rubbed raw and bleeding. Even now, I can feel them hot and burning within me. Even now, if Habibi says he saw a movie with M, or had dinner with M, or this or that with M. I still feel the lurch of jealousy jerking me violently from somewhere behind my naval like a enraged penned animal, you can't see him, but you can see the pen rattling about from the sheer power of it's rage at being trapped. Somehow the not seeing him makes you so much more terrified. What is it that is RAGING within? Why is it still there? It's a ugly, ugly piece of me.

Three men are trotting around after me. The only one I'm interested in lives out of state. I hope that by the time he moves here in May I'm a whole person again. I don't want to date. I don't want to have sex. (still haven't) I don't want to have the expectation that just cause I'm interested in someone that I'm gonna feel like having sex with you. I want to spend time with him, I just don't want to have sex. Ok, so I might WANT to have sex with out of state man, but not now. Not anytime soon. I just, I need things to be fucking simpler then that right now. I don't want to invest any kind of time in forming a romantic relationship with anyone. I want to paint. I want to continue to see my friends, new and old. I don't want to have sex with either.

Habibi is all excited about seeing me in December, and I'm excited about seeing him too. But I'm scared,also. I'm scared I'll be pissed off for this or that reason or feel shunted back into my compartment he kept me in. That horrid box that makes me seethe and roil with jealousy when I have to share it with ANYONE else. I desperately WANT to see him. And I will. But I'm not healed yet and i'm afraid the meeting will leave me a crumpled little bit of flesh curled in my bed. I think I'm more upset about it all now then when it was fresh and new. Emotions finally working there way to the surface, as it were.

I'm in love with micaceous iron oxide mixed into my traslucent glazes. It gives a finely stippled effect to my glazes. Like thousands of little pencil dots.

Corazon, Bothhandz, Karen, and I got together for a little thanksgiving dinner among friends last night. It was fun, fun. My cosmo kicked my ass though, 3 out of the four of us, myself included, ended up on the floor sluring along to Evita. One fucking cosmo, actually, I just realized I only drank half of it even. Good lord I can't hold my liquor.

Love to you.