First day home and I'm just sitting on my ass. No milk in the house for my coffee and the coffeehouse across the street is closed for the week. I guess it's black for me this morning.

I used to get so beyond hurt when Habibi would go off and do things, things I didn't want to participate in anyway, but things he didn't invite me to or give me the opportunity to participate in, even though in most of the cases I would have told him to go and have fun. Anyways, yeah those times would send me over the edge with jealousy. (am I control freek? maybe, but really I just want to be included.) Anyway, same thing happened with the brother and sister yesterday and I realized it happens all the time in the family. All these light bulbs went off in my brain about why my relationship with Habibi and why his behaviour illicited the responces that it did from me.

I saw my lovelies in Houston. Maribel, Yuhayna, Monica, Sean, and Yes Habibi. It was sooooooooooooooo good seeing and just being with them all, coffee in Huntsville. Dinner at El Pueblito. Coffee out in the 1960 area. I do miss them so. Habibi was the first to arrive at dinner. We hugged each other right there in the middle of the restaurant and he kissed me (wow has he changed) and neither of us let go. We just stood there holding and squeezing each other. Sharing this incredibly healing hug together. He looked so handsome all in black we sat on the same side of the booth at El pueblito place, where the guatamalan food is deep and soulful, our hands on each other's knees just talking and being. Just being. Sean and Yuhayna arrived and we ordered and our banter went back and forth and everything was easy and natural and lovely. Yuhayna gave me my photo I've been coveting that she took while in india and Sean gave me the plans for my tin district style house that he has been working on for months. It's GORGEOUS in it's asymetry. Dinner ended, Sean and Yuhayna left, and there Habibi and I were alone, embraced in an unending hug out in the parking lot. We told each other how much we love each other and then suddenly we were apart and in our own respective cars and driving away from each other. Seperated again and I can still feel his embrace on my skin, but now it's comforting and warm and pure. Not painful(what a lie), and longing for things that can't-- won't be.

I was driving 2 hours back to my grandmas' at like 1 in the morning. I dozed off. I did! I've never been so scared in my entire life. One moment driving the next overcorrecting as I snapped back awake on the freeway traveling 70 mph. I cranked the 80's station up fullblast and started belting out 'rock the casbah' I usually pull over and take powernaps. I don't know what crawled up my butt that night. I really didn't realize I was that tired.