Madrigle

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"I hope this goes well, in all ways things can* go well!"
Thursday, Jul. 13, 2006 @ 11:07 p.m.

I feel I have to speak more, and in certain venues for the first time, on the power of this little doll in my life.

Sacred Power Doll

So, my mornings, I get up I try to find a pair of shorts and a shirt. I let the dogs out into the courtyard. I grind my coffee beans, I entice the dogs back in doors, I fix the coffee just right, sometimes a square of luscious chocolate melted into the pot, always with a large proportion of lusciously silky soy milk. Some days the melange contains no sugar, sometimes a bit to balance the bitterness, sometimes it's a downright sweet concoction. I feed the dogs. I wonder up stairs with my now perfect for that day 3 cups of coffee, I uncover Bailey, wish him a good morning, listen to his little softly spoken mumbled replies, switch his water, fill his food cups give him some scritchy-scritchies, then I sit on the couch, log onto the computer turn the tv on to dissipate the silence. Often I'm so little tuned into the tv, that an hour later I'll realize it's been on a Spanish channel the whole time. So, this morning, it's the second time it's a show I don't know the name of. A reality show about women learning to 'live large' It's wonderful, a piece of worthy television I think. So this morning, one of the ladies was to have a funeral for certain . . . mmmm . . . painful events of her life, and there I was BALLING! completely letting go with her. And it made me realize that's what my sacred power doll had done in my life. I had buried my hurt, my sorrow, and given permission for it to BE my past. I think I was successful in creating a talisman to focus my energies on truly letting go. I'm pretty sure classical psychotherapists would refer to this as transference? I know Lynn Dew_art is not a therapist, but what she did for me, what she showed me how to do for myself, it is one of the single most powerfully healing events I have ever experienced. (Mal, with your art therapy skills, and Lynns quiet supportive, nurturing way, I could easily invision a very powerful working partnership between the two of you.) I am so greatful Lynn has entered my life. I'm so glad that my little doll has helped me move on in such a HUGE and powerful way. I knew he was special when I brought him home, but now, 2 months later, I can fully appreciate what my little talisman has allowed me to do for myself. I've let go. I'm ready to make room in my life for another. Lynn, thank you so very much. If you live in California, I would encourage anyone to go and let Lynn help you heal yourself or just to learn more about yourself.

So, I've been rereading y'alls comments about the last couple of entries. Initially I was reading them in a way that made me think you guys feel this is as doomed as It seems to be to me. Then I realized I was projecting my own fears onto your words. Fears that this . . . relationship(?) with not-green-eyed-man is basically doomed, but I've realized they are actually sentiments of hope. And the since of impending doom is only on my part. So, I messaged him today, "Can I take you out for a beer this evening?" he replies, "no, maybe this weekend." Words like 'maybe' make me very nervous. I want their to be momentum. I feel like I might just be spinning my wheels. Did I mention he paints? Yeah, I walk into his loft and see all these rothko-ish color fields, very nicely done, and he has never even seen a rothko in real life, his are much more true to the original then my early ones. But mine have always been more inspired by, then direct copies, even those first two. I mean, Rothko's paintings are almost a spiritual muse to me, I walked into that loft saw the paintings and felt like I was in the dominion of a kindrid spirit. *giggle* Kindrid spirit, Anne of Green Gables was to me, what little house is to many others. I so remember being a little boy watching Anne fall in love with Gilbert Blythe, her "i think I've found a kindred spirit in you Gilbert Blythe", if memory serves, a model for my early wants of love. Kiwi, your comment has the ring of traditional Irish blessings I have heard. LOVE IT, ADORE IT. I think I might use it as my new diary title. Do you mind? I mean, "There are trees in the desert since you moved out", seems so right for my right now, and they are some of my very favorite words from Buffy ever, hell just some of my very favorite string of words ever, but your "I hope this goes well, in all ways things could go well" seems so at home in my heart.

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