I dreamed of Mike last night.

The first time I have dreamed of him since my epiphany.

The first time I have dreamed of him since he died 3 years ago that I did not wake up crying . . .

. . . although I feel like crying right now from the frustration of not being able to remember what the dream was about.

I woke up with a smile on my face, and joy in my heart. I do remember that much.

Oh! I so WANT to remember what we were doing.

If he said anything to me.

Perhaps I should rejoice in the fact that I have even this fleeting memory of the experience.

I do remember being conscious in the dream that our issues were resolved, that he had communicated what he needed me to know. That all the sorrow he had brought to my dreams before was not to happen again. None of this was communicated in words. I just knew it to be true. I knew it in the way he flashed that mischievous smile at me.

His smile . . .

. . . his beautiful, warm, dopy, smile

A smile that usually meant he was hatching a plan in the back of his brain to either tickle you, or trip you, or do 1 of a 100 other things that seem stupid and childish and so not worth my time now. But I think I would give nearly everything to feel him frog my arm, or walk up behind me an buckle my knees. What a clown he was. What a BOY he was!

I remember that smile he flashed at me in the dream filled me with a wonderful, radiating, golden, warmth, long after I woke.

I remember thinking that I couldn't wait to record this beautiful experience in my diary.

I was just thinking the other day, that even though his visits to my dreams were so sorrowful, that I missed seeing him insert himself into my dreams.

*He must have heard my unspoken prayer.*

I'm so glad that he has chosen to return. So happy that his visits are not somber any longer. So happy to see that wonderful smile of his again, to feel it's warmth upon my own face. To have the conscious realization that this will not be his last playful visit.

I remember his untucked plain t-shirts. They were earth tones, mossy greens, and browns it seems.

. . . I think I had some just like them.

Hmmm . . . they were what he was most comfortable in. I suppose it only natural that he would appear to me in them.

I know this dream was happy, but I also know that the tears ebbing down my cheeks are still tears of sorrow, remembrance, and loss.

I'm glad I'm not numb.

Thankful that I still feel for him.

* * * * *

A thought.

I know Mike is gone from this life.

I know that we would have never been more then friends.

But, I am SO very thankful that he still remembers to visit me in my dreams.