Madrigle

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I bet you think this song is about you . . . (or killing two birds with one stone)
Monday, August 27, 2001 @ 5:49 a.m.

I've been writing.

No really I have.

It's just not the sort of thing I think you would enjoy reading.

Lesson plans.

Curriculum sheets.

Memos to the new teachers.

And really I love crafting those with as much care as I do my own journal entries. So I guess the itch just hasn't been there for awhile. But last night it hit. Let me tell you. Here I am this morning ready to rant on.

So, I guess really I'm here soothing my own self imposed guilt trip, but I did just have to let you know.

*****

So, last night I had a little pity party.

I know, I know but I am doing sooooooo much better really.

So, last night made me think more about the whole sugar/anxiety attack/ depression link.

And really, I'm not sure now if the sugar brings on the attack, or if I crave the sugar because I"m about to have an attack.

I don't know.

I suspect previous.

But at least last night, I had a reason for feeling the way I felt. That in and of itself was nice since usually half my anxiety is over the fact that I don't know why I'm feeling that way.

And it was such a stupid reason.

But damn it! I hate, HATE not being included.

When you've rushed around all day. Gotten your work done by noon, Hell, I even cleaned the house.

No really! Dusted, vacuumed, even washed some of the walls!

I know I had only invited my friends over in passing, but they had excepted in passing too.

So when they called back later that evening, as the Goong Gra Tiem (Thai Garlic Shrimp) was already marinating in it's pungent homemade spice paste of coriander root, garlic, and black pepper, to say that they were going to spend the evening with another friend, I really did feel left out.

And I beat myself up for being such a prude, wondering if the company of another was really that much better, or if it was simply the fact that they could go and do their drugs, and not be silently judged by my non-participation.

I don't know maybe I over analyze things.

Maybe that's not what they were doing, but I am the worlds worst at listening to my inner voice when I really REALLY should be.

I mean they Hadn't seen each other in forever.

And it was just a VERY casual invitation. But when that is your whole plan for a day, and then it gets all shot to Hell, I guess it is a big deal.

I can analyze. I know that the real issue here is a fear that they prefer the company of another over my own. I can admit on this virtual page, that yes I was jealous. And I can admit here that yes I was angry for not being invited along.

But they never new that.

I just stay silent, and act happy for them. And tell them to have a great time. And then I sit here and silently pass judgement, sliding a bead over on my internal abacus, that keeps track of the fuck ups of others. I mean really it's their first fuck up. But my abacus is horribly inconsistent. Some people have an infinite number of chances. But They are rare and far between.

My best friends, well I don't even have an abacus for them. I think that's why they are my best friends. We tell each other when we fuck up, and then it's over and done with, and cleansed from our systems. Not sitting here causing a festering pustule somewhere on the diaphragm of my breath.

I guess maybe I give my loyalty to easily, and secretly (even sometimes from myself) I expect others to too.

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