These last few days have been an incredible upheaval of emotions. A Roller coaster of dips and highs, valleys and plateaus. Don't worry, I�m not bi-polar or manic depressive. At least none of my therapists have ever thought so. I think. Hhahahaaha. I've still been reeling about Mr. Ideal's New Years day confession to me and just how cocked up that is. Later while talking to another friend I mentioned that Mr. Ideal had invited us out for beer and pool. My other friend proceeded to tell me how on the rocks Mr. Ideal's relationship has been lately. I quickly changed ths subject. Pieces coming together in my mind and feeling bad that a part of me. Ok, most of me, hoped that it was true. That is just twisted and I feel guilty. I'm fully aware this is a big, huge, glaring example of be careful what you wish for.

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Can we say guilt? My vacation just suddenly got longer by 1 day. A swift click of the mouse, a keying in of numbers, and voila. Here I am sipping coffee and-- well not much else.

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I'm sitting here, no glasses on, and my world is a blur. Not horrible, but fuzzy, diffuse, and subdued. Saturday, while on the hill with out of state man, I took my glasses off at one point and I had crystal clear vision. Perfect. So very strange. I sat there reading signs 2 blocks away without so much as a squinted eye. I don't get it.

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I think I'll restretch stifled creation and Lament for Nigella today. I unrolled their canvas a month or two ago and tacked them to the wall. They made their trip from Houston to here without so much as a blemish, unlike some of my other pieces. They are like old friends I still admire them.

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First I must lesson plan, I want to knock several weeks out.

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I'm not wanting to stop writing here. Somehow I feel connected when I'm here. Not, alone. I'm a rather solitary kind a guy needing lots of alone time, but lately the 'alone' has been more keenly felt. I'm not one to easily bore. But lately, even that has happened. I feel tousled, topsy-turvy, like I�ve not got my sea legs. Maybe this is me surfacing back to normal. Me starting to feel again. And I'm sure that would feel rather turbulent to ANYONE who has been comfortably numb for at least the past year. Huh, "If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it." Those lines pissed me off in brokeback, maybe cause I fear that's me.