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I've tasted culinary-heroin, now I fear I'll forever be chasing a culinary dragon.
Saturday, Jan. 28, 2006 @ 2:19 p.m.

I had dreams last night of incredibly hot, frenzied sex. Fucking. Each time I awoke so aroused� more aroused then I�ve been in ages. Thing is, from what I can remember, my sex dreams have almost always included oral sex, more specifically me going down on a guy. Not these, they were raw dreams of me fucking, and I couldn�t see the guys face. It troubled me in the dream that I couldn�t see his face but also added to the arousal of the situation.

At one time in my life I was most attracted to guys ten or so years older then myself. Often closer to fifteen or twenty years older. Lately I�ve been increasingly interested in guys closer to my own age. I don�t know why I�m writing this. I think it�s cause I�m procrastinating. I was in the middle of cleaning when I plopped down to write this. Anyway, somehow my brain connected this attraction shift to the shift in what arouses me above. Specifically I was a top in the dreams above. Big change for me.

I�ve spent an amount greater then my car payment on art supplies and art books in the past month. I think it�s guilt for not painting. Does that make since, that I have guilt when I don�t paint? I do! Somehow by spending money on supplies I validate that I WILL be creating art soon. I guess by thinking that way I somehow placate the guilt a bit. If I buy this, I�ll be able to create more art later even if I�m not creating write now in this space and time.

This was supposed to be it�s own entry, but it�s been steeping in my brain for a month and hasn�t been written, so here it is, distilled into a rather uncrafted paragraph.

Food just hasn�t been what it used to be to me, here in Albuquerque. While eating my sumptuous meal in Houston with Habibi, Sean, and Yuhayna it occurred to me in this fully formed phrase. Rising to the surface of my brain. I�ve had culinary-heroin. Every little dive and hole in the wall in the bayou city seemed to hold incredible gastronomic treasures to be searched out and found. Each experience leaving you wanting more, not ever wishing to be full up, only wanting to discover the next unseen treasure. Here in Albuquerque each meal leaves me feeling like I�m left chasing the dragon. Food is good, but never ever anything to write home about, even at it�s very best. It�s not wretched, and often quiet good, but not the ambrosia to the gods that even the smallest dive in Houston seemed capable of turning out. I don�t know. It�s just been bothering me. I go out to a new place, each time hoping this will be the one restaurant to steal my heart. But it doesn�t happen they all seam to miss the mark, often a painfully small margin not allowing me to rave about the food.

Anyway.

Hugs to you.

Especially to you Boann7, and please always write about your pain here. You are so right, this is your space to craft in any manner you see fit. Hugs.


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