So, I'm not sure what is going on. But Saturday night I had this intense realization that things are not going to well with Curtis.

As in premonition.

And it scared the hell out of me, and I wanted to immediately write about it. But a part of me, the part that won out for a bit, didn't want to voice this idea.

Thinking that mere thoughts have the power to bring eventualities about.

So, yeah. He called me Saturday morning, 9:30, all chipper. Telling me his plans for the day, they didn't include me, which was fine. And said, "I'll call you this evening when I get in from dinner."

He didn't.

Nor did he reply to a cute little email I wrote him Saturday night, pre-He'sNotInToMeAnyLonger premonition.

Nor did he call after church on Sunday, as has been his habit.

Nor did he answer either of his phones Sunday, early afternoon when I rang him to see if he would like to come over for chicken and dumplings.

He called in the evening, while I was on the phone with Corazon, and I told him so, and that it was long distance and I would call him back. I was proud of myself for that.

So I called an hour or so later, and he seemed . . . a bit distant, and I think so did I. I told Non-descript it has only been a month and I don't as yet really feel as though I have "I'm pissed off at you for not calling, rights." He agreed. He said, he being Curtis, had left his cell at his brother's the day before, and I suppose that may be the only place he has my number, but he didn't bother going to get it till late Sunday afternoon. Then he has an unexpected house guest pop in Sunday evening, an old high school buddy, who's parent's surprise anniversary party is this evening, and couldn't stay at their place, lest the surprise be exposed. And evidently, and I'm playing mind reader here again, he doesn't feel safe making calls to his boyfriend while his guest is in his house. I guess that is understandable for someone who is not out, but all RATHER Fucking frustrating for me, his doting boyfriend.

So, yeah, I suppose all this leads to the reasonable outcome that he didn't call me, or keep in touch, like he NORMALLY does, and as I said in a previous entry he is the one who does the calling, and I I guess it just felt like the rug had, rather forcefully, been pulled out from under me.

And I fucking HATE AOL cause it deletes my old emails, bastards. They should at least flag them the day before or something.

I told Mal, this morning that all of this is probably good for me, and I'm by no means ready to call things quits or anything, BUT it's rather good for me, cause I feel empowered to take an emotional step back. And that's healthier for I, who after many, many, years (post Stephen) of keeping his heart well guarded and rather unfeeling, has been in the habit of wearing, said heart, on his sleeve this summer.

At least I rolled it up in my sleeve, after Lowell, not much protection, but still better then before.

***

In other news.

Is their other news?

Is that the right their, non-descript? ;)

I really have no clue.

Oh yes, the girls came over yesterday, for the dumplings that Curtis did not come over for, and we ran amuck. Terrorizing art stores and the Buffalo exchange, before reclining to the rich creamy lusciousness of my dumplings, on my couch as we viewed and laughed, and compared our lives to yet another episode of Absolutely Fabulous.

And I ended the evening with painting and diving into my current Laura Joh Rowland novel, and somehow I was actually ok with alone time, as apposed to being needy of you and I time. And somehow it was 1 o'clock again before I went to sleep, and 10 before I woke, and that's not good, cause I have to be back on teacher schedule by Thursday. I will be in bed by 9:00 tonight.

Yeah right, and deep-ultramarine blue monkeys are going to wing out of my ass, as I do pirouette's in a aurora-shaded, shimmering tutu.