Hmmm.... Let's just say this will be a free write.... liable to change subjects with out warning or regard to any kind of order.

So, [Someone once asked me if I was Canadian cause I start so many sentences or intoductions with, "So."] Anyways, I have some concerns. Relationship concerns. What does it mean, when you wake up in the middle of the night, say 3:00 and decide to call your boyfriend at work . . . "What are you doing?" An inocent enough question right? "Oh, me and my friend,(we will just call him 'the dog') 'thedog' thought it would be funny to have cybersex in the main chat room. You know, just to piss everyone off."

"Oh." I say, not really knowing what to say. Thinking to myself that this was not supposed to be a difficult phone call. This was just supposed to be a little suprise. You know a 'Hey, I woke up and couldn't get you off of my mind.' call. Instead I'm faced with a situatin that I am not to clear how I feel about, and have not thought about until now, for fear of finding out EXACTLY how I really do feel about this.

"Yeah." he goes on, "Thedog is SO cool. He lives in Gold(something or other) Arizona."

"Oh." I say, wishing desperately that I had not asked what he was doing. "Ask him if that is any where near Sierra Vista?" This was not what I was thinking or what I was feeling but my brain had gone into automatic mode, and while I was busy mulling over exactly what was going on, and how I felt about it, this is what my brain came up with for cover, so to speak.

What I really wanted to say, was "What do you mean, YOUR having CYBERSEX!?!" "YOU are MY boyfriend, and you have not even had cybersex with ME!" I go on in my mind, having this internal conversation, while my brain keeps the boyfriend placated with the appropriate "ahas." and, "O.K.'s." My internal rantings continue "Infact! If I remember right, you told me that phone sex and cyber sex were lude and crude."

HOw does this make me feel? I'll tell you. It makes me feel pushed aside. It makes me feel uninteresting. It makes me feel like I really can't trust what you say . . .

Which brings me to my next concern . . . This one occuring much more recently . . . I'm suprised my brain has even thought about it yet, and formulated a feeling aobout this latest afront.

"Yeah." the boy friend starts off, "Thedog (Uhg!!! I want to vomit everytime the boy friend mentions his handle) and I were talking about threesomes last night, and how you and I and him would have such a goodtime."

"What!" I said, " I thought you weren't into threesomes? I know you said that you had had them in the past but that you did not want that kind of thing anylonger?!?"

"You mean you would never ever want to have a threesome?" He asks in mild suprise.

"NO, why does this suprise you? We had this converstation in the first couple weeks of us chatting. You led me to believe that you didn't want them either." I continue to lay into him letting him know exactly how I feel.

Now, I consider myself fairly sexualy adventurous, but Monogomy is my ideal in a relationship. I don't care if both parties in a relationship agree to a third, at the basic core of morals and ethics you are still making a farse of your supposed monogomy...

The boyfriend, changes the subject, and in my typical behavior change right along with him, switching into a less heated topic... something lighthearted and halfway humouros I'm sure.

So here is my concern.... I fell in love with this person. Up until a month ago or so, my love was not filled with concern, it was pure, it was the essense of emotion... Now my love is concern filled. Full of what ifs. Full of jealousies of people niether I nor the boyfriend have ever met.

So.... (Haha there is that 'so' again) Tonight... I'm on line... MSN messenger lets me know that the boyfriend has come on too. We chat. Politely exchanging our 'I love yous' Having a conversation only a few lines long about nothing. He tells me He is tired and wants to curl up in bed. A fact that I am sure is true.

For some reason, I decide to log into our favorite chat, the place where he met and talks to that mangie whore of a man (can you tell I don't like him) 'thedog', just as I am about to sign on, I switch my name. Subconciously I know why I idd it, at that moment it was just my brain thinking for me. I pop into the room. There he is 'theboyfriend' sitting in the chat, no 'thedog' to be seen.

And I wonder.

and I wonder somemore.

I wonder to myself. Hmmmm . . . if 'thedog' would have been online, would you still be off to curl up in your bed? Or would you be staying and laying down with dogs?

In my mind I wonder