When I was little I used to tell my mom that I was going to expatriate to Denmark.

She would give me the strangest look. A look that said "How do you know what expatriate means?"

Funny. I don't think she ever asked me why. She was more horrified that I would ever think of giving up my citizenship.

Let me explain. This was probably when I was about to go into or already in the 7th grade. This was a time that my sexuality was really beginning to define itself. Let me clarify. It was the time when I was really admitting to myself that I was gay, that the differences I was seeing in myself from my peers were probably because I was gay. While I was probably more sexually educated then most of my peers (I read a lot) I was also so, so, so naive. Like I said I was beginning to self Identify as being gay, but I also thought that this would mean that I would be supremely alone in this world. I thought my adult life would be relegated to traveling the world in hopes of finding another gay soul... Of searching for my people! *wink to mal*

so, so, naive.

I felt alone.

Do you understand?

I FELT ALONE! For all intensive purposes I WAS ALONE. I had no one to relate to, or to guide me through this confusing period.

I mean my God, think how confusing your own puberty was, and then add the issues of being a closeted gay guy to that.

So, the Amsterdam thing. I used to go to the library, trying to find anything that would give me a clue as to where I could later 'find my people.' The only thing I ever turned up was a mold stained, tattered copy of the KINSEY REPORT. Not much help to a boy in junior high... I needed knowledge. I needed so desperately to know that I was NOT alone, but I did not find it. At least I didn't find it in the library.

I'm reading some magazine. I have long since forgotten what it was. But it was about Amsterdam. Nothing specific. Just a general overview of the city, it's history, and mention of it's long standing tradition of social tolerance. And . . . AND . . . (this is a supremely big �and')

AND the cities tolerance and acceptance of homosexuals.

So, so, naive.

So in the brain of this 11 or 12 year old kid my mind was maid up... I had to grow up, expatriate to Denmark, and then, THEN I would be among my people.