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depressed wouldn't be far off the mark
Tuesday, Dec. 27, 2005 @ 7:11 p.m.

3 entries in less than 12 hours. I'm itching under my skin today. The mushrooms are not going well. To my eyes my weakest area as a painter is my value control and I've let one of the mushroom panels slip into much to dark of a value scale. good thing I've got another started thatís not messed up. I guess the darker one is not really messed up I'm just mad that I've let it get so dark. I always do that. I want to get my value scales under control. must embrace white. most painters use gobs of white, me, I like the saturated color. but value between light and dark is everything in these mushroom paintings. Anyway, I'm blabbering, like I said I'm itching under the skin.

I severely pissed someone off. I guess they bought really expensive tickets for some 'gay' new years eve party. I hate parties, and I hate segregated events. He says I agreed to go with him like 2 weeks ago. I know I said nothing of the sort. He asked if I had new years eve plans, mind you this was 2 weeks ago. I said something like, 'no, not yet.' and that was all that was said. Well evidently he interpreted that as "yes, Iíll go with you to some gay new years eve party with 400 gay men." Um no, Madrigle clams up in crowds, becomes a near mute, and avoids interaction with strangers at all costs. Dark corners, and a drink in my hand are my friends at parties where I can carefully watch the clock and leave as soon as it's not, slap in your face, to early to get the hell out of dodge. I'm much more the dinner party with 8-10 people I know and 2-3 I don't know and can comfortably get to know cause I'm comfortable in my skin with the 8-10 I do know. I'll tip toe through the creek, not cliff dive into the 400 gay strangers ocean thankyaverymuch.

I guess broke back mountain was not going to play in NM at all as the theater owners thought no one would want to see it. To tell you the truth it hasn't really caught my eye either. Oh great another story about two gay/bi/whatever men, madly in love with each other, who can't be together because of societal expectations. Geez, sound like anyoneís love life you fucking know? *maddy stands up and waves his arms about in a very petulant child sort of way* Yeah, so the same individual who planned my entire new years eve out also got tickets to some screening at some theater and I'm going Friday night. I kinda feel like it's a car wreck I can't take my eyes off of. (although I have no problem looking away from real wrecks as I once saw a fully decapitated body when I was still a looker. yeah that's pleasant. I'm just glad it was over rather quickly for the person involved.) Anyway, yeah, I'm going and hopefully I can keep the whole theme of the movie from completely pissing me off. Who knows, maybe it will surprise me and I'll actually like it. Evidently the showing sold out in nothing flat over fandango and now several area theaters are planning on showing the film. Bow to the all mighty dollar.

Good lord, I'm still itching under the skin. I feel like I'm on the verge of a anxiety attack. I've not had one in sooooooooooo very long. I think it's the been completely surrounded by family and now everyone has gone home blues. That's been a trigger for as long as I can remember. It will pass.

I wish my family would understand that my paintings are not about making pretty pictures of quaint country scenes. And those that I have done have been because there was something to be learned from copying a particular piece or because the piece spoke to me on some level or has been an assignment.

Today I was reminded of an early . . . hrmm . . . ideal of beauty? The greeter at the place I had breakfast had bleached blond hair with dark roots. I'm not sure why, but that drives me nuts. In a good way. It can also look down right tacky. But he pulled it off in a most alluring sort of way.

My wireless router broke today. Piece of 6 month old shit. The 32nd of an inch thick piece of plastic that allows the ethernet cable to clip securely into the slot broke off. What dumb ass engineer at belkin thought a 32nd of an inch piece of plastic was going to hold up for very long at all? I'm thumbing my nose off at you and the rest of your idiot industrial design team. Unless you have bleach blond hair with dark roots. :D Then I'll just give you my sternest of teacher glares.

My sister's family is thinking of moving back to NM for the third year running. at least. Shit or get off the pot. Love them dearly but come on! Your miserable in that hell-hole, also known as El Paso, so make a change and see if things get better.

Love to you.

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